Papaya Paradise

(This is an old review I did in 2009, but am reposting here)

So this is short because it was one of those cheap thrill ebooks that was probably all of 40 pages long. And pretty much this entire bit revolves around making fun of how genetalia is described. Are described? Are. How genetalia are described.

Papaya Paradise Presents: The Case of Papaya Paradise and the Purple Prose

Kayla, aka Scarf Lady. In the very first sentence is introduced as someone who “had an extensive collection of chiffon scarves that she never failed to work into damn near every outfit she wore. “

Tyrone, aka Mr. Ripples. As in that’s his job in this book, to have a “rippling torso.”

Scarf Lady and Mr. Ripples have sex in an airplane bathroom.

Kayla speedily undid Ty’s belt and pants, delicately easing out his beautiful shaft that, now unleashed, extended proud and strong from between the metal teeth of his zipper.

His pants have their own penis?!?!

Also, “unleashed.” And Scarf Lady has an “aching void.” Makes me think of a tiny black hole hidden in her vag. One that sucks in any cock it can get…

Mmmkay, now there’s Justin, aka Three People Is Two Too Many In An Airplane bathroom.

She smiled, knowing that her drenched pussy would feel snug and hot around the vertical form of his cock, the sensual sheath compressing him all the way from the rotund sphere of his engorged head to the thick base of his shaft, securely entrenched in the mass of black curls above it.

Vertical form, rotund sphere, thick base… *snickers* It sounds like a bad geometry lesson in here. Also, securly entrenched? As in every other man’s penis is detachable?

Scarf Lady gives Tardy Boy a hand job in the least sexual language ever.

Pulling on the globular top of his vein-ridged shaft, she very soon turned it into a crimson knob that sported a spot of glistening fluid nestled in the slit.

In the words of the great Morbo:

COCKS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!

(Actually they do, I just wanted to say that.)

Is there actual punishment for getting caught fucking in an airplane bathroom? Honestly, do you think the steward/esses don’t know it’s going on? And who wants to be the guy who says “Hey you, you were fucking in the bathroom! You aren’t allowed to do that!”

Glancing up the length of his body, her eyes met Justin’s, chocolate brown eagerly searching forest green, anxious to read the range of emotion within. Kayla wasn’t disappointed, it was all there—want, need, hunger, love and finally, surrender. Only after Justin’s feelings had run the whole gamut did Kayla note what could be considered the final chapter in the book of male emotional response during sex.

Disgust? That “oh my god, this sex is either being written by a virgin or a geometry nerd?” feeling? Because I see that a lot in my SO’s eyes during sex…

Cozy and content, Kayla let her eyes drift shut, a question almost immediately popping into her head. How did this all happen?

So the entire book is a flashback. Nice.

It all started back when three friends decided to move to Hawaii to buy a bed and breakfast…

There’s some Hawaiian meet and greet, some flashback (in a flashback!) about how Scarf Lady and Mr. Ripples are both divorcees. Then apparently Officer Hartman from my middle school DARE program steps in to give me a lecture about drug use.

Really.

“Good point!” Justin exclaimed, pointing at Kayla. Then with a wink he pinched his thumb and index finger together and bringing them to his lips, made as if he were taking a hit from a joint. “You know, if we wanted to, we should be able to score some quality weed while we’re here.”

Kayla’s stern face made Justin directly amend his previous statement. “Not that we would want to. But seriously, Hawaii has the highest population of crystal meth users in the nation. And while cocaine and heroin are still being smuggled in from Southeast Asia, abuse of predatory drugs like GHB and LSD are on the rise.”

Nothing like a little drug education to get my motor revving, if you know what I mean. And I hope you do, because I don’t. O_O

The guy they’re buying the B&B-cum-papaya plantation from couldn’t be a bigger skeev unless he had “I TREAT WOMEN LIKE OBJECTS” tattooed on his forehead.

Then ZOMGANOTHERFLASHBACK as Scarf Lady remembers a hot dream she had featuring Tardy Boy. FYI, if you have to tell the reader something is sexy by saying “Tardy Boy did (x) sexily” you’re doin’ it wrong. Also, the way cocks are described, I get the image in my head of a purple beachball perched on top of a popsicle stick.

The property owner is attempting to impress the trio with facts about papayas from Wikipedia. How incredibly eeeevil. And Scarf Lady has a scarf the color of papayas! Who woulda thunk it?!
Eeevil guy is all upset that Scarf Lady would dare to reject him. She’s creeped out by his behavior so she….

TAKES A WALK ALONE IN THE DARK.

Unfortunately nothing bad happens to her, she just runs into Mr. Ripples, and starts the lovely little excerpt that prompted me to buy this bit of purple prose.

They all fall right into bed with each other, so there’s no real conflict. The book could pretty much end here.
They buy the property, live happily ever after on Hawaii while the rest of us turn green from jealousy, the end.

Sex on the beach, with no mention of how sand likes to creep up into intimate crevasses and get things all gritty and icky. Also, dry anal sex, EWWW! Protip: lubed condoms do not have enough lube for this! O_O (Or maybe I’m just buying the wrong brand.)

Eeeevil guy is obviously going to dose her up with GHB. He does, and Mr. Ripple and Tardy Boy show up just in time to prevent any actual character development. But wait! Sex solves every problem, even I-Didn’t-Get-Raped-But-I-Could-Have-Been! Hurray.

It’s been too long since we had a nice slice of purple prose, so–

Kayla could see the oblique muscles in Ty’s ass clenching

Aren’t obliques stomach muscles?

Scarf Lady has both a “hot core” and a “slippery, sweet cavern.” Is she a volcano? Mt. St. Scarf Lady, hehe.

Oh, the healing sex was the end. Huh. Well, then. XD

The end.

Penny Dropps Aftermath

When I started, I had the idea for a different blog first about a cowpoke traveling through a post-apocalyptic land (yes, I'd been playing a ton of Fallout New Vegas). Then I started thinking about what had caused it. I got the idea for a disease killing everyone off, then found the Mythos and the Plague Doctor was perfect.

Except, as I went on, I really didn't like how people portrayed the Plague Doctor. I've told a few people now that my version is pretty AU. I think the Plague Doctor should work more like a regular doctor. Doctors have a lot of power in western society. How many people even know that they have the option to seek a second opinion if they disagree with their doctor? And therapists! Hoo-boy. I could go on.

So when I started out, Penny Dropps was a woman lost and looking for help. Her germaphobia was only moderate, and she wasn't afraid to go outside as long as she had a container of hand sanitizer at the ready. She was making a friend, and had a job, and life was looking up.

(BTW: The name came when I wanted to make a whole bunch of references to rhymes and idioms about pennies, then having the "penny drop" be her realizing the Doctor used her.  Totally did not intend for her initials to be the same as Plague Doctor XD )

Then the cracks start to appear. Her job isn't so great. She's starving and therefore physically and emotionally weak. She's sleeping poorly and having 'seizures.' Her apartment A/C is permanently busted. :P And a trusted authority (Dr. Hohenheim) takes advantage of her weakness to encourage her to make bad decisions. 

So she sees the Doctor, but she doesn't see him in the Plague Doctor form.  She's not familiar with the concept at all.  The only doctors she knows are the doctors in the hospital and her therapists.  So the Doctor here is a combination of both.

And in the end, when the Doctor has left her to die in the new world she's created on his whim, she still tries to seek his help. But he has other patients to see. This world has been cured and it doesn't interest him any more.

As far as I know, the situation in FunFacts is completely implausible. As far as I know.... :P

The idea of Panacea is based mostly around the Spanish flu, particularly the 1918 flu pandemic

Things I'm proud of: 

• The hidden message in the park post.
• Chore's name is Nick Choroba. Choroba is Polish for disease or illness.
• The Change for a Penny post 
• Alle Ding' sind Gift, und nichts ohn' Gift. (All things are poison, and nothing is without poison)/ Dies ist, was sagt der Arzt (This is what the Doctor says)/ allein die Dosis macht, daß ein Ding kein Gift ist. (Only the dose permits something to not be poisonous)/ Der Arzt heilt uns alle. (The Doctor cures us all) The italics is a quote from Paracelsus.
• The bit where Penny head-butts Chore and gives him a bloody nose makes me smile every time

Things I wish I'd handled better:

• Brian/Chore. In the beginning, Chore was supposed to be the bad guy, the one who talked to Penny and Brian. Penny was supposed to have convinced Brian to drink the bleach, then responders would have arrived before she had time to ingest a non-lethal amount.  Then Proxie pointed out how stupid the tattoo on the forehead really was. I'll probably end up editing it so that when she first sees him, the tattoo is fresh and seeping, then when she touches his forehead and feels the fully-healed skin, it'll be another clue to her hallucinations. I like where it ended up going, though. Still have no clue when or where Brian is going to come into play, though.
• Mrs. K. I feel like she's on the half-way point where I should decide if I cut her out entirely or give her a bigger role.
• T.S. Eliot is so abused :(

The Burning Bride